Sunday, June 29, 2008

Fear and Anger

What a week this was. For some reason I just feel so horribly alone right now. Not in a depressing way. More like I feel I don't have anyone I can relate to at the moment. It's really just been a week of coming into my own. I am just coming to the realization that some friendships have changed beyond my control.

So you know that whole thing about being indifferent to moving back to waterloo? Ya, that's completely changed to fear now. Everything is different and I'm not sure if I'm going to fit in all that well. All of these questions are zooming through my head. What if I clash too much? What if I just don't get along with people there?

Mostly, I'm just worried about one particular group of people. I used to be friends with these guys and then something bad happened. Partially my fault, partially circumstances out of my control. It was a really hard time in my life and it was because of this that I dropped out of school and took this time to do all of that soul searching elsewhere.

I've visited a few times since that time and I've always had some mixed reactions. Some people apologized to me, some ignored the problem and we've pretended like it never happened, and then some people completely ignored me as if I didn't even exist.

These guys are all friends of my friends and they are still what I would call close. I'm worried about how it will be when I move back. Will they just continue to ignore my existence? Get angry? Will I get angry and do something rash? I have tried to move on from all of this, but I know deep down there is still a fair amount of bitterness and anger left there. How is this all going to pass?

I will always have this memory of a girl I once called a friend walking into a room and she began crying because I was there. Since that time she has avoided me and if we happened to be at the same place she would always make sure she was at opposite ends of the room and it was like she would just refuse to see me. I can't believe how hurtful that is. I'm not sure if I want to willingly walk back into that situation. I know I have to though.

At the same time I just feel as though I am without anyone to turn. I really don't feel comfortable enough with anyone I know to really flesh out and discuss all of my fears. That in itself really bothers me. Part of this whole experience has made me truly unable to trust anyone.
Part of this feeling is also due to the fact that a lot of people I know are getting married. The last friend getting married kind of knocked me off my feet a bit. Everyone is getting so serious so quickly. I really feel like I am falling behind in the great "game of life".

I was talking with a good friend tonight who happens to feel the same way and she reminded me that this is not exactly what most people consider normal.

Anywho, I just needed to get this all out. A good vent is really what I needed. I feel much better.

Angst

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Summer

It has almost been a year since my departure from Germany. I feel like I just got back. Its strange to hear myself say that its almost been 12 months since my return when people ask me about it. I am still going through a lot of the same feelings I get every time I travel. How does one move on? During that specific moment of my life everything revolved around my time spent in Europe, from arrival to return. Now that I have had enough space to distance myself from that point it almost feels awkward.

I did something really selfish/hilarious/horribly unmoral. I recently went to a bar and ran into a very good looking girl from High school.I actually used to be her TA, but that is irrelevant. She was younger than me and had heard that I left to do a fair amount of traveling. The conversation went as such:
"Hey! Oh my god! I hear you went and did a bunch of work with people with AIDs in Africa!"

"Uh.....well..."

"I think that's so cool. You're such a great guy to do that..."

".....Yes, I am. It was pretty hard, but I'm better for it."

(awesome night ensues)


Yea....pretty bad right? It was actually my brother who did the work with needy people in Africa, but he is too morally gifted to take advantage of that. Rightfully so. Apparently, I'm not? I did teach kids English? That's giving something back too! Right?

What I thought were growing feelings of anxiety in regards to moving back to Waterloo are now showing themselves to be growing feelings of indifference. I was worried that I wouldn't fit back into the way things were, only to realize that I don't really have a desire to go back to the way things were. It would be like trying to play chess with checkers. The board and pieces are the same, but the game has matured and changed. What once was, is now more complex and different.

This doesn't mean I am not excited to move down though. I am ready for round 2. No screw ups this time.