Sunday, June 29, 2008

Fear and Anger

What a week this was. For some reason I just feel so horribly alone right now. Not in a depressing way. More like I feel I don't have anyone I can relate to at the moment. It's really just been a week of coming into my own. I am just coming to the realization that some friendships have changed beyond my control.

So you know that whole thing about being indifferent to moving back to waterloo? Ya, that's completely changed to fear now. Everything is different and I'm not sure if I'm going to fit in all that well. All of these questions are zooming through my head. What if I clash too much? What if I just don't get along with people there?

Mostly, I'm just worried about one particular group of people. I used to be friends with these guys and then something bad happened. Partially my fault, partially circumstances out of my control. It was a really hard time in my life and it was because of this that I dropped out of school and took this time to do all of that soul searching elsewhere.

I've visited a few times since that time and I've always had some mixed reactions. Some people apologized to me, some ignored the problem and we've pretended like it never happened, and then some people completely ignored me as if I didn't even exist.

These guys are all friends of my friends and they are still what I would call close. I'm worried about how it will be when I move back. Will they just continue to ignore my existence? Get angry? Will I get angry and do something rash? I have tried to move on from all of this, but I know deep down there is still a fair amount of bitterness and anger left there. How is this all going to pass?

I will always have this memory of a girl I once called a friend walking into a room and she began crying because I was there. Since that time she has avoided me and if we happened to be at the same place she would always make sure she was at opposite ends of the room and it was like she would just refuse to see me. I can't believe how hurtful that is. I'm not sure if I want to willingly walk back into that situation. I know I have to though.

At the same time I just feel as though I am without anyone to turn. I really don't feel comfortable enough with anyone I know to really flesh out and discuss all of my fears. That in itself really bothers me. Part of this whole experience has made me truly unable to trust anyone.
Part of this feeling is also due to the fact that a lot of people I know are getting married. The last friend getting married kind of knocked me off my feet a bit. Everyone is getting so serious so quickly. I really feel like I am falling behind in the great "game of life".

I was talking with a good friend tonight who happens to feel the same way and she reminded me that this is not exactly what most people consider normal.

Anywho, I just needed to get this all out. A good vent is really what I needed. I feel much better.

No comments: