Friday, October 24, 2008

The Big Chill

So warm, happy, fuzzy Fall is gone and cold, wet, lack-of-sunshine Fall is here. I am, to say the least, disillusioned with this new Fall.

There is not too much to update. Work is going on, although I am starting to get annoyed with the lack of work that everyone else seems to feel entitled too. My bosses are taking advantage of my hard work, so lately I have been doing a less than stellar job hoping the might say something. I am getting tired with the monotony of this particular job, even though I like the people there. I would like to find a job with more day hours.

My friends from Stouffville and myself are taking a trip to El Salvador in the winter. December 15ths to the 23rd. Its all paid for by now so there is nothing I can do. I can't afford it, but I figure this will be the only time a trip like this is made. I am excited for it.

Sometime I look back on my life and and think that I've had things pretty hard. I am reading a book that reminded me that things have turned out okay though. In this book the author is telling his girlfriend about this time his mother ate his candy bar as a kid and then she died of cancer. He found it really hard to trust people after that and thinks of his mother as some sort of evil sorcerer. To this his girlfriend replies, "A sorcerer? Just because she ate your candy bar? My mom guzzled rye and beat us. My uncle put his dick in my armpit while I slept. My cousin hid my college acceptance letter until it was too late to reply. Your mother ate your candy bar?"

I know he was trying to be symbolic but it just goes to show how we are quick to blame everyone else for bad things that happen to us, instead of just accepting that bad things happen, regardless of who's fault it is, and moving on.

I worry sometimes that I've become scared of moving on. To move on is to accept that everything that has happened is irrelevant in the present. These are the anchors of our life though. Without all of these moments what defines us? Who are we? To move on is to accept that there is nothing left that we can salvage of our old selves and we must start anew.

This, naturally, brings up a whole other set of fears. "What if I fail again?", being the largest one that comes to mind. Staying stagnate is a clear sign of fear. It scream, "I am afraid of failure". So how does one get over this fear. There is nothing saying that if we try our hardest we will achieve our goals. This is the largest fallacy that western society has ever produce. Not only is there a chance that you could fail again, there is a good chance you will. Perhaps I'm being a little pessimistic though!

Anywho, I am off to work. Hopefully I'll get fired and finish this off later haha.

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