Sunday, March 08, 2009

the end

I have moved this blog over to wordpress. You can find me now writing here. I figured I'd switch because all the cool kids seem to be doing it and hopefully this will allow me to be a tad more media friendly.

So long blogspot. You've served me well these past few years.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

I'm dying

I have been sick for the past few days. I have just finished my midterms and I have the feeling that I did subpar, even though I studied like a fiend. I've been drafted, my little sister's come down with the pox's and my neighbor ol'man Jenkins finally did what he's been threatening to do for months and poisoned my dog. You get my point. Despite all this, I have had the best week I've yet to experience so far this year. Let me explain.

Like I said earlier I've been sick. Usually, this would be a good thing, because I would have a legitimate reason to skip class and not get marks deducted for attendance. Win-win. However, this week is different because I am trying to woo a professor into taking me under his wing. I am a horrible student. I have had countless teachers, bosses, supervisors and professors give me the whole "if you only applied yourself" speech. It's just not for me. I'm not an academic. What I am can only be described as the world's greatest suck up. Call it what you may, but I leave a school/job with a shining reference after just scraping by. This time it's different.

I expected to flash the ol'smile, say the right things and have this world renowned professor under my finger. No dice. He is one hell of a tricky bastard. He's a cranky old man, who has mastered the art of not giving a shit about anything. I am getting some progress, but he is making me work for it. am dying.

Anyways, doing all this extra work has made me skip on the things I need to do like cleaning my apartment, laundry and buying groceries. I've been using this sick time to wash everything but I had been delaying buying groceries for about a week, and I was getting hungry. Buying groceries scares me. Why? A girl.

There is a girl who works at the grocery store. She goes to the same university that I do and I bump into her all the time. She's a psychology major and quite good looking. I used to go grocery shopping everyday, just so I'd possibly bump into her. I'd buy things that I usually wouldn't if she was there, like whole wheat pasta, expensive cheeses (I'm lactose intolerant) and vegetables like asparagus that would inevitably go bad in my refrigerator. I liked her a lot. We went out for coffee. I had a pretty good time and I think she did too.

Then I did something stupid. Really stupid. On a scale of 1 to 10, it's most likely a 9. I went to a club and ended up going home with her good friend. I know, I'm a bastard. What followed was a super awkward week of dating her friend, which ended with me trying to give her a high-five after I told her we should just be friends. It was the most awkward moment of my life.

As I waltzed down the different areas of the grocery store in my sickness stupor, I decided to forgo my usual healthy choices and went with pizza pockets and pop. I'm an emotional eater. I plopped my stuff down on the counter, looked up and who should be standing there but my girl-crush who I blew it with.

I went to say something smart and witty, but all that came out was "ugh". I grunted at her. What the fuck is wrong with me? After coming to my senses, I apologized for what happened. She tore me a new one. I mean, really tore me a new asshole in front of a line of people. She started crying. New most awkward moment of my life. I took it in stride. I did those things, I deserve it.

As I went to leave, she said the following:

You have my number, so phone it. Screw me over again and I'll kill you.

I think I'm in love.

Friday, February 27, 2009


Well it is now two in the morning, so that means that it is officially Friday and my midterm week from hell is over. High note from this week include:

- Seeing an Asian kid have a mental breakdown in the Library and cry hysterically because someone stole his chair.

- Seeing a guy in one of my classes break down and cry in the middle of the exam. (Which might I add was not only sad, but horribly distracting.)

- Gym night from hell. I was at the gym yesterday and I bend down in the change room to tie my shoelaces. Along comes mister "I'm old and could care less if you don't like me walking around ass naked for the duration of your workout". He is strutting his stuff with out a care in the world, when someone tries to squeak by him. Being a gentlemen, he thrusts himself forward so to avoid and make room for this other man. Consequently, he thrust himself right into my face. Yes. That actually happened. A face full of old man. Good lord, even thinking about it is making me gag. This has been a week of tears.

I see only two solutions to all of this, which are to try and either drink the memory away or try and get some sort of counseling.

Side story time. My friends have all been joining online dating websites. It's apparently all the rage now. I, for one, see nothing wrong with this. I blog, twitter, use tumblr and pretty much live on the internet, so why would it be wrong to try and find a date online? I was never keen on the idea of it myself, but after seeing the amazing date my friend somehow managed to get, I decided that there could be no harm in trying it myself.

For my little experiment I decided to go with OkCupid. Everyone I know was using it and its free, so both criteria are met for me. So after uploading a picture, setting my preferences and writing a bit about myself in my profile they made me take a multiple choice test, so as to "narrow the playing field". I answered as honestly as I could.

When I was presented with my first page of best potential matches I was shocked. No joke, 4 out of the 10 women were gay and the rest were bi. What the hell? 40% of the women I'm paired up to talk to don't even find my gender attractive. There were a couple in there in which I would not ever be the least bit suprised if they were, in fact, not women at all. Screw you internet. If I want someone to question my sexuality and make fun of me, I'll go home and hang out with my step-dad.

God, option one is looking better and better the longer this week plays out.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

North America

 Today the president of the United States of America came to visit our humble country of Canada. After watching it on the news, while having my teeth ravished by a very good looking Asian dentist, I went to cry in solitude at my local hometown greasy spoon, the Fickle Pickle. 

While enjoying my meal I was watching about 10 thousand Canadian people going nuts on Parliament Hill. I have not seen that many crying teens since I was forced to take my sister to see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants in theaters. 

I found this rather amusing as I was present the last time a President came to Ottawa and I can assure you that the mood was less than stellar. Numerous people, including some friends, were arrested and poor GWB was quickly and quietly asked to not knock his ass on the door on the way out.

As I was enjoying my french toast and bad coffee in the FP, the waitress came up to me to ask why it was such a big deal. She went into a rant about all the horrible things that the American's do and how poor Canada would be better off without them. I must admit I used to think this way as well, so I can't really rag on her too much. It's frustrating for a lot of Canadians to have so little input on issues that affect us so greatly. Oh well. 

Looking back now I, dare I say it, actually like Americans. A lot. Most of my good friends are Americans and we were brought together in familial love by a common interests, which would be hating just about anyone else. Having lived in Europe at one time, running into an English speaker was like winning the jackpot. Especially Americans. There are so many cultural oddities that we take for granted. 

"Oh wow, you speak English?"
"Sure do, I'm Canadian."
"Remember frozen concentrated juice?"
"Fuck yea!"

Trying to explain the idea of frozen essence of juice to anyone not from North America is just idiotic. The longer you go on, the more you feel like an ass. So cheers to Americans.

I still will say that the people closest to my heart will always remain the Dutch and the Kiwis. We're like the smarter, younger brothers who never get any attention because we've got a cooler brother, who's a grade older and has the mustache we've always dreamed of growing. 

Happy Obama Day Canada. Enjoy the free love and peace vibes. 

Monday, February 09, 2009

This is why I don't go to concerts

I listen to a lot of music. I don't pay for it. I am one of those guys who remembers what it was like to pay $25 in 1998 for an Offspring cd. $25 in the 90's could have bought me a lifetime's supply of pogs, a Voltron T-shirt and a box full of Vanilla Ice albums.

For years we were ripped off when it came to getting access to our favourtie band's music. The music industry claimed that it was all about supply and demand and there was no harm in making money. Not to mention, the industry offered lots of free access to music, such as MTV. For every moment I had to sit through Billy Ray Cyrus or Whitney Housten music videos just to catch a glimps of the Foo Fighters, I cried tears of frustrations. Enter the internet. I've never looked back since.

People say that downloading hurts the artists. I would say, however, that cheating fans out of their money hurts the artists ever more. Ticketmaster is now the defendent in a $50 million dollar class-action suit. After all of this time spent complaining, the industry and their middlemen can't keep their hands out of the cookie jar.

Ticketmaster has recently recieve hundreds of complaints that when they attempted to purchase tickets online, they were redirected to TicketNow (recently purchased by Ticketmaster) where they were made to pay up to hundreds more than the face value. Those Smashing Pumpkins tickets you paid $500 for? They were only supposed to be $130! Oops! Apparently, Bruce Springsteen is furious.

I pity those poor ticket sellers. As screwed as Universal was when Morpheus first sprouted, that is nothing in comparison to the wrath of the Boss.

Saturday, February 07, 2009


Everyone has that one friend in their group that is known as the "fun killer". Especially, when it comes to things like parties or having friends over. You know that person who is seemingly always behind you at parties commenting to those around you about just how drunk you are? That's one of them. These people usually grow up to be accountants, church elders or fake cops who hand out tickets when you don't pay for public transportation.

I find people like this especially annoying because I am a reactionary fighter. It runs in my family. If you tell me not to do something, I'll do twice as much just to spite you, even if its very obviously a bad idea. Tell me to be quiet and I'm more likely to start screaming your name as loud as I can. I'm sure you can see how this does not go over well when the Fun Gestapo come in.

I am currently having problems with a roommate who used to be my friend. I say "used to" because the only time she talks to be now is to complain about something I am doing. She is an all around Fun Killer. A few weeks ago she woke me up in the morning to ask if I had eaten a piece of bread that was on top of the fridge. I said yes. She then informed me that I took a piece out of the left bag (which was hers) instead of the right bag (which was mine). I said I was sorry, to which she replied "It doesn't matter". Then why the fuck would you wake me up about it? Jesus Christ, help me. My goddamn heart can't keep dealing with these random bouts of rage.

This of course compels me to be actually start doing things I never would have done. Like making sure people only use her bathroom when they come over (she's a massive hypochondriac, so watching her scrub her bathroom every time someone uses it causes me great pleasure). My roommate came home drunk the other day and I made sure he was sick over ever inch of that bathroom.

My problem boils down to what should I do? I feel like talking about this isn't the answer. Mostly because yelling at her would make me feel much, much better. However, if I have a near blood clot the next time she makes a comment about me eating hummus from the wrong tub, I end up looking like a jerk. How can I have the sweet rage-filled justice I crave, but still come off looking like the good guy? Better yet, how do I control my ridiculous overreactions?

Monday, February 02, 2009

From Them to Me

I am part of a pretty neat community of bloggers called Twenty Something Bloggers. Please check it out if you can. Most, if not all of the people, who read this blog are already included in this little niche of the internet.

Every so often they have a few blogging contests and this month's, in honour of Valentine's Day, is creating a love letter or a break-up letter. As I was thinking to myself about topics, I wondered what it would be like to write a break-up letter to myself from the perspective of every woman I've ever dated. Who else has given me the best material for this, if not them?

This is my first attempt at audio stuff, so be gentle. Until I figure out where to find a decent audio widget that is supported by Blogger, you'll have to download it. The music is by RJD2, one of my favourite artists.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

An Interesting Experiment

I recently had a conversation with one of my friends on the art of flirting. I was intrigued to find out that there is actually a supposed science to it. We've both did a bit of research and are going to try to use some of the proscribed techniques and note some of the signs. Apparently, 97% of all human communication is done through body language and around 52 different subconscious things we do to indicate interest in the opposite sex.

A few of the tips:

* put your thumbs in your pockets and arch your fingers towards you legs. It forces you into a straight posture, sticks your chest out and apparently makes you look more "fit".
* look for mirroring. If people find you attractive, they'll usually subconsciously mirror your actions (such as taking a drink when you do).
* prolonged eye contact (that's a given)

As I mentioned earlier, we are to try our best to remember these "tips" and go out of our way to flirt as much as we can for 1 week and see how it works, the catch being we have to talk as little as possible and just try the body language. We started last Thursday and so far the results are astoundingly good. I use them everywhere and I am amazed at the positive feedback I am getting from women.

I recently went to a party this weekend and I figured it would be opportunity to try this out in a social setting. I was amazed.

step 1 - make sure I was walking into the room with my thumbs in my pockets.
step 2 - look for women who seemed to be "grooming" themselves. Straightening cloths, hair, etc.
step 3- make eye contact and don't break until they do
step 4- contact. Make sure their whole body is facing you, watch for mirroring, if they're sticking their necks out, or showing their palms.
step 5 - whispering is good.
step 6- enjoy.

It worked pretty darn well. My friend is apparently getting similar results. He was just telling me how he tried it while in a Subway while getting lunch. He said maybe 20 words and left with a free meal and a phone number. That's not too shabby.

Tomorrow is the first day we'll be trying it on campus. I'm excited to try it out! Who knew science could be so fun?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


**Note: Grab yourself a snack, because this is a big post**

Today was a horribly queer day. Sometimes, I have these days where upon returning home I feel the need to clean. That is how you know that something wrong happened to me that day. When I came home today, I washed every dish in the house and I had already done all of mine yesterday.

My day began with me receiving my first essay of the semester back. Most people in the class did quite poorly, but my grammar (it's a German language class) was so dismal that the professor made a point of personally mocking me in class. My professor likes me and her way of showing it is by making fun of me. Usually, I am okay with it because she gets me on silly little mistakes. This time it was the equivalent to your professor saying, "Oh man, did you ever fuck up on that midterm! I mean, seriously, that was just hilarious! I made up a new category of bad, just so I could fit you in there!"

She then made me sit in front of the entire class and answer questions like a game show. I kid you not. I was almost ready to tell her to "selbstficken", but I just gobbled up the proverbial plate of self-deprecation that was handed to me with a smile on my face. Such is life.

After class, I got on my beloved bus and headed downtown to have coffee with my cousin. That is when I met the crab man. I should mention that I have this thing with strangers. Call it what you may, I have an undeniable magnetism for the "Uncouth". If I am standing on a subway platform with hundreds of people and a weirdo shows up, I am always the first person to get the inevitable blast of abnormality. I think this is because I refuse to ignore people if they try to engage me in conversation, no matter how strange they may seem.

Crab man came onto the bus a stop after mine. He was short, had a large belly and a poorly shaved head that was most likely done quickly by himself in front of one of those mirrors you find in a carnival fun house. What made him stand out was the fact that he was holding what I would later find out to be a large blue crab.

Crab man picked a seat beside me and then just launched right into it. I didn't even have a chance to try and do the ol' "I'm listening to music" spiel. He showed me his crab. He had bred it and given it to his son as a pet. After it died, he took the little guy taxidermist.

He then proceeded to tell me about himself. He was born in New York as a son to an Italian mobster. He decided at a young age to move to the edges of Newfoundland, where he could be free from his family ties and raise as many crabs as he saw fit. After meeting his girlfriend, a 6'7 First Nations woman, he had a son and moved to Ontario. He also brought along his favourite hermit crab, aptly named Hermit, and mentioned that it just happened to also be Hermit's 20th birthday. I was naturally skeptical, but after researching a bit I found that it is quite common for them to live up to 25 years.

I thought about my conversation with Crab man as I sat waiting for my cousin in a coffee shop. Before I got off the bus, he made a comment about how everyone else on the bus was acting so odd. I thought at first that they had a good reason too. I mean, the guy got his pet crab taxidermied. I later realized he was talking about the fact that everyone seemed to be uncomfortable around us. Some people got up and moved farther back in the bus once they had a chance.

I thought about the possibility that we were the weird ones. I mean he just wanted to talk to someone and we went out of our way, for no reason, to avoid him. Is that not weird? He was talking about crustations, not murder. Comepletely harmless.

Then I realized that it was Wenesday and I am not supposed to meet with my cousin until Thursday. Fantastic.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


There are certain things that everyone does when they are in a bad mood. Some people like to talk to their friends or listen to uplifting music. Others prefer to wallow in their own self-pity until they feel better. Me? I like to eat pickles.

What you see here, ladies and gentlemen, are various assortment of Strubs. Arguably, the solution to pretty much everything. Need a quick snack? Strubs. What to serve the guest? Stubs. How to get Israelis and Palestinians at the peace table? Don't worry, they're kosher.

As I said before, I eat pickles when I am depressed. I used to try writing poetry, but then I realized that I would just end up writing a short summary of my pain in a form that rhymes. The pathetic hilarity of my bad form did not encourage a very soul soothing process. However, it was better than what I used to do before that, which was just listen to Joni Mitchel until I got tired of crying uncontrollably for no reason. Just kidding. No seriously.

I needed cheering up today as I was in a bit of a pickle (I'm really sorry, I've been looking to put that in here somewhere for some time now. Forgive me). I recently lost my social insurance card, needless to say, it turned out to be a huge pain in the ass to try and get a new one. First off, the Human Resource office, where one has to wait in line to be served, is in the next town over. It's a 45 min walk.

Secondly, it was recently merged with the unemployment office and as such the line twisted the whole waiting area and just stopped short of the door. Stupid depression. After waiting about an hour to get to the admissions desk, just the desk that gives the forms that you need to fill out, not takes mind you, I find out that you can only use your birth certificate for ID. Driver's license or passport? Nope, not good enough for a SIN card!

I took some time to literally stomp around the block before I went home. I find acting childish in public is a good way to visibly vent my frustration to people. It makes me feel tired and I don't have to feel guilty for swearing uncontrollably. Even better than that is to go home and snack on comfort food.

My future soulmate should hopefully have a strong desire to learn the art of pickling.

Friday, January 23, 2009


So I finally went to a gym yesterday. I did a rudimentary workout routine and nothing that was too stressful. Why then, does my body feel like it's been beaten by a football team. Everything hurts. It hurts to sit. I guess that is what I get for not stretching?

I have to take the bus home today. I am not looking forward to the long journey. As I said earlier, I love the bus, but I am sore and grumpy so spending 4 hours traveling is not looking all that appealing. Oh well, I am going home to be spoiled by loving parents. I'm a lucky guy.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

mit dem Bus

The last few days have been made so much better by the amazing mode of public transportation that we call the bus. I have always held a deep love for public transportation, but not specifically for the typical reasons. Saving money and the environment are bonuses, but I find that my favourite part of the whole experience comes from complete sense of helplessness.

It's like the weight of the world is taken off of my shoulders for a few stops. When I am packed between all of those other people, in that moment, I am free from the subbtle palpitations of responsibility and stress. There is nothing I can do about my problems, nothing I can possibly change in that instant about my life. So why bother worrying about it? Everything fades away into the passing scenery of wherever I happen to be on my way to.

It's the same feeling I get when I blog, when I finish an exam, or when I'm in the back seat of a car and my parents are sitting up front. It's what I feel when I come out of a funeral, see I place I've lived in for the last time or listen to my favourite song Starálfur. Such a wonderful sense of melancholy tranquility. I say melancholy because that rich textured feeling seems to dissipate not one block after I get off.

I also seem to have the best conversations on trains or buses. Yesterday, I went down to Kitchener with Lisa Farlow to drop off my deposit for the house I'll be living in next year. Lisa is hilarious, I haven't talked about so many random topics and for so long in ages. Next year should be good. Lisa and I will be living with some relatively like minded people.

It's a known that babies tend to fall asleep in vehichles, apparently due to the motion. Maybe they have something on us?

Monday, January 19, 2009


Dear January,

Why do you suck so badly? On a scale of good to bad, you'd most likely be stuck right between falling into a barrel of rusty nails and finding out that your favourite snack is being taken off the shelves due to their newly discovered carcinogenic flavoring.

I know that seems a little harsh, but its true. Your attitude pretty much blows when compared to other months. Your weather is cold and harsh, everyone runs out of money, parties are at an all time low, no holidays, and you are pretty much only second to your little brother February when it comes to being a general downer.

What can you do to change this? First, stop being so cold. When I walked to class today it was -18c and that was without the windchill. Seriously, what the hell? Do I go around stuffing people into a goddamn freezer when I want them to like me? No. What do you see in this picture outside my house?

If you've answered too much frigging snow, you win a prize. Congrats.

Secondly, way more holidays. December is always going to be number one unless you do something about it. New Year's Eve, unfortunately, does not count. That is still December's territory in my opinion. It's like we have to hang out with that kid who puts his hand up in lectures and nags us about hangovers (that's you) after we've just been to the wildest party of our lives. Even February has "Family Day", the weakest excuse for a holiday since they've been conceived. Might I suggest a holiday in which large amounts of money are given to students.

Lastly, please cheer up. There is still hope. You can be cool. I believe in you. Screw the other months, they only got where they are today by sleeping with the good seasons.

Thanks for your time,

Concerned Student

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The End of Busy, the Start of Stress

Well, my week of jam packed adventure is over. There is something about a Sunday that is completely relaxing, yet at the same time full of anxiety. This has been of week of joy and sadness, relaxing times and times of not enough time.
This week was concluded with an excellent early morning breakfast among friends. Hopefully, a new social group in general. These are people I hopefully will be spending more time with this semester.

Even though I am busy with school, I am looking to plug myself in more with a few different communities. Especially the blogging community! I swear that I am going to learn HTML, even if it kills me...haha. Now that I've seen what is out there I want to be able to express myself better aesthetically in this cyber-world.

The bad thing about having fun, especially on the weekends, is the fact that you are not getting any work done whilst the party is in process. It it too hard to ask for a job that pays you to sit around and talk with your friends? I mean seriously folks...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Deep Breath

This past week certainly has been more exciting than many others I've had in the past 6 months. By that I mean that I have barely had a chance to just sit and let my mind wander a bit. This week promises to be more of the same. Its been good though. Mostly.

Last week I started back at school for the first time in almost 2 years. It was scary and invigorating at the same time. I was prepared for this so the shock wasn't that bad, but I am still getting used to having to do homework and the vast amounts of reading, not to mention keeping a much busier social life and working at the same time. Life has shown that it can get a little hectic.

Normally, at this point I would be stressing out. This time, however, I find myself rising to the challenge with a light heart. There are good days and bad, but I know that if I channel this energy of mine into being productive then I can do this. By being more openly productive I am able to see the fruits of my labour, and I like that.

My life feels organized and it allows me to be so much more flexible than I was in the past. Perhaps 'flexible' isn't the right word for it. I'm just able to deal with oncoming issues more efficiently.

I went out with Natalie today for lunch and the Barelyworks, that restaurant above the Heuther. It was good to see and talk with her. Our Grandfather just recently passed away and tomorrow is the funeral, so I'll be seeing a bit more of my family this week. She helped me do some shopping for random items and we got her some guitar strings. A nice day.

As for this week coming up, there is a lot to get ready for.

Tomorrow - I have Grandpa's funeral and then work until 2am right afterwards.
Thursday - I promised my roommate Ben that I would go to the Lil' Wayne concernt in Toronto with him. His buddy backed out at the last second, so even though this is not really my type of music, it'll be good to spend some time with him.
Friday- My friends are hosting a party that I have to go to. There is a good chance that I will be living at this house next year. Fingers crossed! Its apparently a much sought after place.
Saturday- My good friend is putting on an art show in Kitchener, so I plan to go to support her.

Yikes! Busy, busy!

Friday, January 02, 2009

New Year

January is now in full swing and in accordance with New Year's tradition I head into 2009 with a new haircut, new coat and some new goals. You should see the coat. It's actually pretty nice. As for the haircut, I'm still undecided at the present. It was nicely done, and for free mind you, by my sister.

Things are going pretty well right now. I was really productive today to the point of feeling really bored once I finished everything I set out to do. Wiped me out to boot. After coffee and finishing my readings, I stopped into work to say hi. Then I had quite a time tracking down a pencil case. After raiding two art shops, various book stores and a tea shoppe, I settled on a paint brush case and a new knowledge of tea (I bought a few samplers).

I am ready to start class. I want it to be here already. Waiting around for a lot of work is something I find particularly frustrating. I wish I could get a jump on it.