Wednesday, January 28, 2009


**Note: Grab yourself a snack, because this is a big post**

Today was a horribly queer day. Sometimes, I have these days where upon returning home I feel the need to clean. That is how you know that something wrong happened to me that day. When I came home today, I washed every dish in the house and I had already done all of mine yesterday.

My day began with me receiving my first essay of the semester back. Most people in the class did quite poorly, but my grammar (it's a German language class) was so dismal that the professor made a point of personally mocking me in class. My professor likes me and her way of showing it is by making fun of me. Usually, I am okay with it because she gets me on silly little mistakes. This time it was the equivalent to your professor saying, "Oh man, did you ever fuck up on that midterm! I mean, seriously, that was just hilarious! I made up a new category of bad, just so I could fit you in there!"

She then made me sit in front of the entire class and answer questions like a game show. I kid you not. I was almost ready to tell her to "selbstficken", but I just gobbled up the proverbial plate of self-deprecation that was handed to me with a smile on my face. Such is life.

After class, I got on my beloved bus and headed downtown to have coffee with my cousin. That is when I met the crab man. I should mention that I have this thing with strangers. Call it what you may, I have an undeniable magnetism for the "Uncouth". If I am standing on a subway platform with hundreds of people and a weirdo shows up, I am always the first person to get the inevitable blast of abnormality. I think this is because I refuse to ignore people if they try to engage me in conversation, no matter how strange they may seem.

Crab man came onto the bus a stop after mine. He was short, had a large belly and a poorly shaved head that was most likely done quickly by himself in front of one of those mirrors you find in a carnival fun house. What made him stand out was the fact that he was holding what I would later find out to be a large blue crab.

Crab man picked a seat beside me and then just launched right into it. I didn't even have a chance to try and do the ol' "I'm listening to music" spiel. He showed me his crab. He had bred it and given it to his son as a pet. After it died, he took the little guy taxidermist.

He then proceeded to tell me about himself. He was born in New York as a son to an Italian mobster. He decided at a young age to move to the edges of Newfoundland, where he could be free from his family ties and raise as many crabs as he saw fit. After meeting his girlfriend, a 6'7 First Nations woman, he had a son and moved to Ontario. He also brought along his favourite hermit crab, aptly named Hermit, and mentioned that it just happened to also be Hermit's 20th birthday. I was naturally skeptical, but after researching a bit I found that it is quite common for them to live up to 25 years.

I thought about my conversation with Crab man as I sat waiting for my cousin in a coffee shop. Before I got off the bus, he made a comment about how everyone else on the bus was acting so odd. I thought at first that they had a good reason too. I mean, the guy got his pet crab taxidermied. I later realized he was talking about the fact that everyone seemed to be uncomfortable around us. Some people got up and moved farther back in the bus once they had a chance.

I thought about the possibility that we were the weird ones. I mean he just wanted to talk to someone and we went out of our way, for no reason, to avoid him. Is that not weird? He was talking about crustations, not murder. Comepletely harmless.

Then I realized that it was Wenesday and I am not supposed to meet with my cousin until Thursday. Fantastic.


Maddie said...

I have the same odd thing with strangers. If they talk to me, I will engage them in conversation. It makes bus rides more enjoyable...or at least more interesting.

Ambles said...

I once had a man on a bus tell me he was the most important person in our town. Don't know why he felt the need to tell me that, but he did. A few times.

I had a bad day today too, so I'm offering you a metaphorical cup of coffee (I know it's supposed to be tea for sympathy, but coffee's stronger.)

Gary Hallman said...

Maddie- it certainly does make them more interesting!

Ambles- Hm..I wonder what he did that made him so important? Mayor? Super hero? Thanks for the sympathy.

Ambles said...

I think he was reffering to a more cosmic kind of importance. Like Frodo. Only Frodo actually did do stuff. And was a hobit. This guy was just really dirty looking and kind of scary. But maybe he thought he was a hobit?