Friday, February 27, 2009


Well it is now two in the morning, so that means that it is officially Friday and my midterm week from hell is over. High note from this week include:

- Seeing an Asian kid have a mental breakdown in the Library and cry hysterically because someone stole his chair.

- Seeing a guy in one of my classes break down and cry in the middle of the exam. (Which might I add was not only sad, but horribly distracting.)

- Gym night from hell. I was at the gym yesterday and I bend down in the change room to tie my shoelaces. Along comes mister "I'm old and could care less if you don't like me walking around ass naked for the duration of your workout". He is strutting his stuff with out a care in the world, when someone tries to squeak by him. Being a gentlemen, he thrusts himself forward so to avoid and make room for this other man. Consequently, he thrust himself right into my face. Yes. That actually happened. A face full of old man. Good lord, even thinking about it is making me gag. This has been a week of tears.

I see only two solutions to all of this, which are to try and either drink the memory away or try and get some sort of counseling.

Side story time. My friends have all been joining online dating websites. It's apparently all the rage now. I, for one, see nothing wrong with this. I blog, twitter, use tumblr and pretty much live on the internet, so why would it be wrong to try and find a date online? I was never keen on the idea of it myself, but after seeing the amazing date my friend somehow managed to get, I decided that there could be no harm in trying it myself.

For my little experiment I decided to go with OkCupid. Everyone I know was using it and its free, so both criteria are met for me. So after uploading a picture, setting my preferences and writing a bit about myself in my profile they made me take a multiple choice test, so as to "narrow the playing field". I answered as honestly as I could.

When I was presented with my first page of best potential matches I was shocked. No joke, 4 out of the 10 women were gay and the rest were bi. What the hell? 40% of the women I'm paired up to talk to don't even find my gender attractive. There were a couple in there in which I would not ever be the least bit suprised if they were, in fact, not women at all. Screw you internet. If I want someone to question my sexuality and make fun of me, I'll go home and hang out with my step-dad.

God, option one is looking better and better the longer this week plays out.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

North America

 Today the president of the United States of America came to visit our humble country of Canada. After watching it on the news, while having my teeth ravished by a very good looking Asian dentist, I went to cry in solitude at my local hometown greasy spoon, the Fickle Pickle. 

While enjoying my meal I was watching about 10 thousand Canadian people going nuts on Parliament Hill. I have not seen that many crying teens since I was forced to take my sister to see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants in theaters. 

I found this rather amusing as I was present the last time a President came to Ottawa and I can assure you that the mood was less than stellar. Numerous people, including some friends, were arrested and poor GWB was quickly and quietly asked to not knock his ass on the door on the way out.

As I was enjoying my french toast and bad coffee in the FP, the waitress came up to me to ask why it was such a big deal. She went into a rant about all the horrible things that the American's do and how poor Canada would be better off without them. I must admit I used to think this way as well, so I can't really rag on her too much. It's frustrating for a lot of Canadians to have so little input on issues that affect us so greatly. Oh well. 

Looking back now I, dare I say it, actually like Americans. A lot. Most of my good friends are Americans and we were brought together in familial love by a common interests, which would be hating just about anyone else. Having lived in Europe at one time, running into an English speaker was like winning the jackpot. Especially Americans. There are so many cultural oddities that we take for granted. 

"Oh wow, you speak English?"
"Sure do, I'm Canadian."
"Remember frozen concentrated juice?"
"Fuck yea!"

Trying to explain the idea of frozen essence of juice to anyone not from North America is just idiotic. The longer you go on, the more you feel like an ass. So cheers to Americans.

I still will say that the people closest to my heart will always remain the Dutch and the Kiwis. We're like the smarter, younger brothers who never get any attention because we've got a cooler brother, who's a grade older and has the mustache we've always dreamed of growing. 

Happy Obama Day Canada. Enjoy the free love and peace vibes. 

Monday, February 09, 2009

This is why I don't go to concerts

I listen to a lot of music. I don't pay for it. I am one of those guys who remembers what it was like to pay $25 in 1998 for an Offspring cd. $25 in the 90's could have bought me a lifetime's supply of pogs, a Voltron T-shirt and a box full of Vanilla Ice albums.

For years we were ripped off when it came to getting access to our favourtie band's music. The music industry claimed that it was all about supply and demand and there was no harm in making money. Not to mention, the industry offered lots of free access to music, such as MTV. For every moment I had to sit through Billy Ray Cyrus or Whitney Housten music videos just to catch a glimps of the Foo Fighters, I cried tears of frustrations. Enter the internet. I've never looked back since.

People say that downloading hurts the artists. I would say, however, that cheating fans out of their money hurts the artists ever more. Ticketmaster is now the defendent in a $50 million dollar class-action suit. After all of this time spent complaining, the industry and their middlemen can't keep their hands out of the cookie jar.

Ticketmaster has recently recieve hundreds of complaints that when they attempted to purchase tickets online, they were redirected to TicketNow (recently purchased by Ticketmaster) where they were made to pay up to hundreds more than the face value. Those Smashing Pumpkins tickets you paid $500 for? They were only supposed to be $130! Oops! Apparently, Bruce Springsteen is furious.

I pity those poor ticket sellers. As screwed as Universal was when Morpheus first sprouted, that is nothing in comparison to the wrath of the Boss.

Saturday, February 07, 2009


Everyone has that one friend in their group that is known as the "fun killer". Especially, when it comes to things like parties or having friends over. You know that person who is seemingly always behind you at parties commenting to those around you about just how drunk you are? That's one of them. These people usually grow up to be accountants, church elders or fake cops who hand out tickets when you don't pay for public transportation.

I find people like this especially annoying because I am a reactionary fighter. It runs in my family. If you tell me not to do something, I'll do twice as much just to spite you, even if its very obviously a bad idea. Tell me to be quiet and I'm more likely to start screaming your name as loud as I can. I'm sure you can see how this does not go over well when the Fun Gestapo come in.

I am currently having problems with a roommate who used to be my friend. I say "used to" because the only time she talks to be now is to complain about something I am doing. She is an all around Fun Killer. A few weeks ago she woke me up in the morning to ask if I had eaten a piece of bread that was on top of the fridge. I said yes. She then informed me that I took a piece out of the left bag (which was hers) instead of the right bag (which was mine). I said I was sorry, to which she replied "It doesn't matter". Then why the fuck would you wake me up about it? Jesus Christ, help me. My goddamn heart can't keep dealing with these random bouts of rage.

This of course compels me to be actually start doing things I never would have done. Like making sure people only use her bathroom when they come over (she's a massive hypochondriac, so watching her scrub her bathroom every time someone uses it causes me great pleasure). My roommate came home drunk the other day and I made sure he was sick over ever inch of that bathroom.

My problem boils down to what should I do? I feel like talking about this isn't the answer. Mostly because yelling at her would make me feel much, much better. However, if I have a near blood clot the next time she makes a comment about me eating hummus from the wrong tub, I end up looking like a jerk. How can I have the sweet rage-filled justice I crave, but still come off looking like the good guy? Better yet, how do I control my ridiculous overreactions?

Monday, February 02, 2009

From Them to Me

I am part of a pretty neat community of bloggers called Twenty Something Bloggers. Please check it out if you can. Most, if not all of the people, who read this blog are already included in this little niche of the internet.

Every so often they have a few blogging contests and this month's, in honour of Valentine's Day, is creating a love letter or a break-up letter. As I was thinking to myself about topics, I wondered what it would be like to write a break-up letter to myself from the perspective of every woman I've ever dated. Who else has given me the best material for this, if not them?

This is my first attempt at audio stuff, so be gentle. Until I figure out where to find a decent audio widget that is supported by Blogger, you'll have to download it. The music is by RJD2, one of my favourite artists.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

An Interesting Experiment

I recently had a conversation with one of my friends on the art of flirting. I was intrigued to find out that there is actually a supposed science to it. We've both did a bit of research and are going to try to use some of the proscribed techniques and note some of the signs. Apparently, 97% of all human communication is done through body language and around 52 different subconscious things we do to indicate interest in the opposite sex.

A few of the tips:

* put your thumbs in your pockets and arch your fingers towards you legs. It forces you into a straight posture, sticks your chest out and apparently makes you look more "fit".
* look for mirroring. If people find you attractive, they'll usually subconsciously mirror your actions (such as taking a drink when you do).
* prolonged eye contact (that's a given)

As I mentioned earlier, we are to try our best to remember these "tips" and go out of our way to flirt as much as we can for 1 week and see how it works, the catch being we have to talk as little as possible and just try the body language. We started last Thursday and so far the results are astoundingly good. I use them everywhere and I am amazed at the positive feedback I am getting from women.

I recently went to a party this weekend and I figured it would be opportunity to try this out in a social setting. I was amazed.

step 1 - make sure I was walking into the room with my thumbs in my pockets.
step 2 - look for women who seemed to be "grooming" themselves. Straightening cloths, hair, etc.
step 3- make eye contact and don't break until they do
step 4- contact. Make sure their whole body is facing you, watch for mirroring, if they're sticking their necks out, or showing their palms.
step 5 - whispering is good.
step 6- enjoy.

It worked pretty darn well. My friend is apparently getting similar results. He was just telling me how he tried it while in a Subway while getting lunch. He said maybe 20 words and left with a free meal and a phone number. That's not too shabby.

Tomorrow is the first day we'll be trying it on campus. I'm excited to try it out! Who knew science could be so fun?