Wednesday, March 04, 2009

I'm dying

I have been sick for the past few days. I have just finished my midterms and I have the feeling that I did subpar, even though I studied like a fiend. I've been drafted, my little sister's come down with the pox's and my neighbor ol'man Jenkins finally did what he's been threatening to do for months and poisoned my dog. You get my point. Despite all this, I have had the best week I've yet to experience so far this year. Let me explain.

Like I said earlier I've been sick. Usually, this would be a good thing, because I would have a legitimate reason to skip class and not get marks deducted for attendance. Win-win. However, this week is different because I am trying to woo a professor into taking me under his wing. I am a horrible student. I have had countless teachers, bosses, supervisors and professors give me the whole "if you only applied yourself" speech. It's just not for me. I'm not an academic. What I am can only be described as the world's greatest suck up. Call it what you may, but I leave a school/job with a shining reference after just scraping by. This time it's different.

I expected to flash the ol'smile, say the right things and have this world renowned professor under my finger. No dice. He is one hell of a tricky bastard. He's a cranky old man, who has mastered the art of not giving a shit about anything. I am getting some progress, but he is making me work for it. Me...work...I am dying.

Anyways, doing all this extra work has made me skip on the things I need to do like cleaning my apartment, laundry and buying groceries. I've been using this sick time to wash everything but I had been delaying buying groceries for about a week, and I was getting hungry. Buying groceries scares me. Why? A girl.

There is a girl who works at the grocery store. She goes to the same university that I do and I bump into her all the time. She's a psychology major and quite good looking. I used to go grocery shopping everyday, just so I'd possibly bump into her. I'd buy things that I usually wouldn't if she was there, like whole wheat pasta, expensive cheeses (I'm lactose intolerant) and vegetables like asparagus that would inevitably go bad in my refrigerator. I liked her a lot. We went out for coffee. I had a pretty good time and I think she did too.

Then I did something stupid. Really stupid. On a scale of 1 to 10, it's most likely a 9. I went to a club and ended up going home with her good friend. I know, I'm a bastard. What followed was a super awkward week of dating her friend, which ended with me trying to give her a high-five after I told her we should just be friends. It was the most awkward moment of my life.

As I waltzed down the different areas of the grocery store in my sickness stupor, I decided to forgo my usual healthy choices and went with pizza pockets and pop. I'm an emotional eater. I plopped my stuff down on the counter, looked up and who should be standing there but my girl-crush who I blew it with.

I went to say something smart and witty, but all that came out was "ugh". I grunted at her. What the fuck is wrong with me? After coming to my senses, I apologized for what happened. She tore me a new one. I mean, really tore me a new asshole in front of a line of people. She started crying. New most awkward moment of my life. I took it in stride. I did those things, I deserve it.

As I went to leave, she said the following:

You have my number, so phone it. Screw me over again and I'll kill you.


I think I'm in love.

5 comments:

splendidmishap said...

oh gary. expensive cheeses to woo a girl? really? you are not a total failure though. go watch annie hall. woody allen's dating life always me me feel less awkward and suck-tastic.
oh, and i high five? VERY nice touch=)
hope you feel better sicky.

splendidmishap said...

that should say "a high five" not "i high five"

i don't high five my dates when i dump them. i give them a thumbs up and tell them to rock on=)

Gary Hallman said...

We'll I suppose the age old saying, "The way to a girl's heart is through dairy products" didn't really ring true in this situation.

Ya, the high-five turned out to be a really bad idea. What can I say? I don't deal well with awkward situations.

splendidmishap said...

the high five? only gonna make things more awkward. maybe try a handshake next time. it's more diplomatic. haha, i enjoy your awkwardness though. don't change that=)

also,(re: previous blog) okcupid sucks. try true.com. i've gotten some pretty good dates off of there.

Ambles said...

Wow, she's a keeper. Seriously.